Real Talk: How to weather the storm of self worth
This has been quite the season for me. Humbling and curious, heartbreaking and strong, lost and seeking. It is true that when we are faced with hardships that we are left with ourselves, the pure versions of ourselves and a chance to ask that very important question of "what the heck am I here to do?" That call to action can come in a whisper or a massive, get the wind knocked out of you sorrow felt in your bones. This looks different for so many people, maybe its losing a relationship, job, house, health...but it feels all encompassing, and its true everyone has their own storm, we might just not see it (hello perfect instagram).
A little context of my story, and something in truth I have been so afraid to share because it really is the narrative of my life, it is what I believe I came here to figure out on this planet. That is usually the case when we go through something over and over and over again and think what gives! Well I believe you wanted to come here to learn about it, this concept also makes things easier to digest, like ok I chose to have this experience it didn't choose me. I know and appreciate some people might not agree with that perspective and that is totally ok! For me though its been soothing to know that in a way I can also alter this fate, with help of course from the universe, love, God.
This narrative for me is romantic love and career/money. I am coming to see the connection to these two things, when you have a limiting belief in one you usually have it in the other and this has definitely been the case for me. I recently went through another breakup and it has been the hardest one for me. It was truly the most loving and exciting and beautiful relationships and really experiences I have ever had and there were so many moments I didn't feel worthy of it! And this came after years of work I have done on myself to uncover where these notions stem from and working through my self doubt. I remember being in Hawaii, the most incredible place I have ever seen, thinking I am not worthy of this experience. Crazy thoughts right, like of course I am, everyone is worthy of their greatest desires but we are so conditioned at an early age to think we are not. To see the outcome of this self worth issue was very difficult and a huge wake up call. And you attract what you are, not what you think, what you are and feel about yourself. Of course there are many layers to the things we go through that shape us but I can only speak on my part in it. I really believe we are the creators of our own experience, so with that taking responsibility for what happens to us but really FOR us.
Now I am using all of those experiences that has not only created so much empathy in my life but also tools to share with others, a new direction with my work and a beautiful new creative endeavour that I believe has been waiting for me to be made. Its interesting to see my life taking this direction because it has always been there, in my script writing and my desires of being an actor, to share this part of me in the hopes it might resonate with someone else and to feel like our pains have purpose. Because thats what it is all about right, connecting to each other through story.
And whenever we try something new in our life that we feel like is aligned in our journey, we answer the call and then come all the struggle and self doubt. a little cosmic joke the universe likes to play on us. Elizabeth Gilbert did a great interview on Oprah's podcast about this very idea, called "Your Life's Calling." Serendipitous that it was sent to be today to listen to as I have been contemplating diving into this topic on my blog.
Here are 3 ways I am discovering my worthiness:
Ritual // I am creating my own rituals centered around the moon that I am loving and cannot wait to share these with others. I never realized how important ritual was in my life until I started the new moon parties. To see how much I loved creating and leading these nights for my friends gave me so much purpose. It also showed me something I was really gifted at that I didn't know. Bringing sacred ritual to others to bring to light difficult seasons they are working through has been such an honour. I use ritual to ground me and get me connected to my spiritual guides, to really bring more magic into my life.
Letting go of what others think // This has been one of the biggest challenges for me to not care what others think. I have this dual persona, one moment I am challenging the notions of what others think I "should" do and then at the same time having guilt for following a different path and caring about being perceived as perfect. This results in this weird dance that I am doing, sometimes showing my truth, sometimes hiding it and other times feeling like I have to be a perfect version of what I perceive the other person expects. So exhausting! When we just let go we can start to see where our authentic self is, and we can finally ask what do I want? And when you show up as yourself people love that version the most.
Getting real with myself // This means getting real about my finances, where I am at, how my heart is and the life I really want to create. I have been taking a course called reparent developed by manifestation guide Lacy Philips. Her work was introduced to me by a friend and after listening to her story I saw so many parallels in my own journey. Her approach is really getting to the root of self worth taught in a way I have never seen before. You should really check out her website because there are so many great articles and she teaches a really unique perspective on manifestation!
I also acknowledge that my life already comes with so much privilege, I have been taken care of by my family and loving friend group. I am so grateful to have what I have. But I want to be a better version of myself, which actually means taking away all the layers I have been hiding under and start to show up as more of myself. I want that for my romantic life and truly my lesson first is to learn how to love on my own. And I also want that for my financial life, I have been living the poor artist story for way too long and the story that you have to work insanely hard at something you don't like to pay the bills. I have done both and I am starting to discover maybe there is a better way? Maybe we are allowed to do something we love and actually make a living off of it. We are meant for our greatest desires, we are all worthy of a life far beyond our dreams.
As I keep having new experiences that teach me different things and maybe I will feel differently in a couple years, but one thing I always hold true for myself is to know my own intuition. Only you know what is inside of your heart and how you want to feel and when you decide to do things differently. The greatest teachers for me have always been the ones that have told me to look for my own answers.
As always, happy high vibing